Caregiver Wellness: Soul Health
The late Presbyterian theologian and writer Frederick Buechner wrote,
"The grace of God means something like: Here is your life. You might never have been, but you are because the party wouldn't have been complete without you. Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid. I am with you. Nothing can ever separate us. It's for you I created the universe. I love you. There's only one catch. Like any other gift, the gift of grace can be yours only if you'll reach out and take it. Maybe being able to reach out and take it is a gift too."
Beauty and Terror
In one study by S. Zarit (nearly 20 years ago), 40% to 70% of family caregivers have clinically significant symptoms of depression. About a quarter to half of these caregivers meet the diagnostic criteria for major depression. That was almost 20 years ago…it’s highly probable that this statistic has only gotten worse.
As caregivers, we know fully well that “beautiful and terrible things will happen”. Every day, in fact, can be full of its share of the beautiful and the terrible. Caregiver burden often causes the terrible to eclipse the beautiful in our perception, so much so that depression and hopelessness become residents in our homes. That’s why taking to heart the rest of Buechner’s statement is so crucial. Do you realize that “the party wouldn’t have been complete without you”? And that goes for the cared-fors in your life as well. Despite the debilitating effects of whatever condition, disease, or cognitive challenge you are caring for, there is beauty as well as terribleness because every “jot and tittle” (a Hebrew expression) of your lives are purposeful, and yes, beautiful.
Seeing things this way is of course completely contrary to every innate tendency of our corrupt human nature. And as it turns out, our perception of reality is integral to our soul health. It’s not simply a matter of naively putting on rose-tainted glasses and “attracting positivity”. That simply doesn’t work. It requires a supernatural optic overhaul. We need to be given spiritual eyes to see things as God sees them, and that is a work of the Holy Spirit - a “gift of grace…if you’ll reach out and take it”, as Buechner observes.
But how does one “reach out and take it”?
Buechner may be speaking in grand terms about salvation itself, but I feel like the principle applies in our daily walking out that salvation as well. Scripture often uses grammar and syntax that suggests an “ongoing and active saving” that we experience in our lives as we daily make the choice to deny and reject our old way of doing and thinking about things.
Jesus says in Luke 9:23:
“Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.”
Paul re-iterates this in his letter to the Romans when he says,
“In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus... For sin shall no longer be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace.” (Romans 6:11, 14, NIV)
So this ongoing salvation (often referred to in theological circles as “sanctification” - the spiritual process that makes us more and more like Jesus) isn’t a one-and-done thing. As a Christ-follower you are, in Jesus’ words, “born again” at a moment in time when your eyes and heart open to His Truth and you receive that as your own. But every day following that moment we face the decision to let our lives be consumed either with darkness and despair or His hope and light, which as Buechner states is free for the taking.
I realize it sounds like I’m evading the question with a bunch of theological jargon. But that’s the thing, this process is unique to every single one of us. I can’t give you a formula or 10-step program (many have tried) to “take hold of Christ's grace daily”. This is something you have to figure out for yourself. But good news, it’s not obscure or unattainable. Jesus wants to walk you through that discovery by His Spirit. Another familiar promise He gave is in Matthew 7:
“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.”
I guess the point is this - that daily process of being renewed and revived begins by asking God, simply, and it continues every day exactly the same way. Discipleship with Jesus is a relationship and a spiritual dialogue, and the more we show up for it the more He reveals Himself.
An aside - I want to be careful to call out that there are sometimes significant seasons of “waiting” on God, where even though you “show up”, He feels very absent. St John of the Cross referred to seasons of life known as the “Dark Night of the Soul”. These are real, and they are critical in our spiritual formation, painful and barren as they feel. In his book “Emotionally Healthy Spirituality”, Peter Scazzero refers to this as “the Wall”. It’s a season or event (sometimes mulitple events) in our lives that shape our spirituality and make us deeper, more authentic, more humble, and more resilient. I highly recommend this book - in fact, if you are in the Nashville/Hermitage/Mt Juliet area of Tennessee, Providence Church Mt Juliet will be offering an 8-week “course” based on this book in the fall. It’s transformative, and something I believe every Christ-follower should check out.
Some Practical “Hacks”
While the journey is very individual, there are common tools and needed resources fundamental to each unique path toward gaining and maintaining Soul Health.
The Bible
As a Christ-follower, your discipleship absolutely depends on Scripture, and a regular intake - as the writer of Hebrews stated, the “Word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.”
Side note - If you don’t consider yourself a Christian or particularly religious, can I humbly invite you to check out the Bible for yourself? I know there’s a ton in there that may seem confusing (Old Testament, especially), but a great place to start if you want to get the “big point” of it all is the Gospels (the biographies of Jesus, the first 4 books in the New Testament). John is a particularly good one, but any of those 4 introduces you well to the center of the Christian faith, and they’re just so dang inspiring! Truthfully, today, I really wish a lot of people out there who call themselves “Christians” would get humbly and authentically reacquainted with the Jesus in the Gospels.
We need the Bible (daily) to confront our wrong thinking, elevate our lowered gaze, inspire us with hope, and infuse our mind and soul with wisdom and discernment. This doesn’t require hours of study or theological training. There are some really great resources out there to help you take bite-sized moments in your day to bring Scripture into your devotional or heart-centering practices.
The Bible App by Life.church - lots of easy study plans and resources
Lectio 365 - a daily, thematic guided prayer and Scripture app. I’ll often turn this on in my car when driving between appointments or trips to the store.
crosswalk.com - a website with many devotional and reading plans as well as articles to guide and assist on the Christian journey.
A “Sacred Space”
Let’s face it, as caregivers, finding a place (or time) for ourselves is incredibly challenging… but NOT impossible. It may require some creativity on your part, but being able to identify a place and time that you can consistently go to have a moment of solitude, reflection, prayer and bible study is critical. And it may need to be multiple short-term visit spaces, as large blocks of time are likely unavailable to you.
I learned this week (from a Lectio 365 devotional, nonetheless) about Suzanna Wesley, the mother of the famous John Wesley of Methodism fame. Suzanna was an extremely busy woman caring for no less than 10 children while often having to cover for her unavailable pastor husband who was incarcerated for financial mismanagement. To find moments to spiritually focus and get with Jesus, she simply pulled her apron over her head to create a moment and a place of sacred privacy. All the children came to know when mother was in her apron, she was in a sacred space and was not to be disturbed.
What is your “apron”? Where can you meet with Jesus and take a breath (literally and spiritually)?
Creativity and the Arts
We are creative beings. I believe it’s one facet of what the Bible means when it says that humans are “created in God’s image”. God is the ultimate Creator. His genius is immeasurable and His artistic flair unequaled. We may not all be artists or musicians or consider ourselves particularly gifted in any of these things, but there’s no escaping the fact that you are creative. Every day we “create”, even if it’s charts and matrices full of numbers and equations…. you are creating something.
Problem-solving is just another expression of creativity. As a caregiver, you are constantly problem-solving. Have you ever stopped to consider that this is a creative endeavor? You may not be producing wall art out of it, but you are creating outcomes and solutions that affect the lived experiences of your loved one.
All that to say, the more we as humans can engage our creative instinct, the more in touch we become with who we are as the “imago Dei”. Remember what Buechner said:
“Here is your life. You might never have been, but you are because the party wouldn't have been complete without you”.
You have the unique ability and role of inserting creative beauty into your specific situation, in ways that no one else is or can be qualified to do so. You are exactly where you are supposed to be as a caregiver, and with the inspiration of the Spirit of Jesus, you are able to create beauty even in the midst of the terrible.
One really great pointer we received in our caregiver journey was to look for, elevate, and celebrate the creativity and creative expressions of our loved one’s life. Nola, my mother-in-law, had been extremely gifted musically. And while the Lewy Body dementia eventually took her ability to play the piano, she never lost her ability to sing or to harmonize with perfect pitch. I still chuckle at memories of us singing hymns at the little Nazarene church down the street from her memory care, where she would sing harmonies and stanzas from memory and would smile at me when I was obviously singing notes off pitch. Even though she couldn’t string intelligible words together, or just had an emotional meltdown minutes before, she could kick the musical praise and worship into gear. That wasn’t a freak thing (see this video of a former ballerina with Alzheimer’s still performing in her wheelchair - utterly beautiful).
Maybe you’re not feeling particularly expressive or creative, but start by sharing memories with your loved one of creative outlets they used to enjoy. One member of our Caregiver Care Group recently commented that she has been very intentional to find non-ADL(activities of daily living) or transactional things to do with her mother, for whom she is caregiving. It might be trips to Walmart to walk around and “pretend shop”, or sitting by the swimming pool, or looking at old photo albums. The more you can re-introduce them to the things that brought them joy, albeit in a format acceptable for their current situation, the more you will see that spark of life glimmer - the creative gleam refracting from their ‘imago Dei”.
A Closing Encouragement
“...Nothing can ever separate us. It's for you I created the universe. I love you…”
We need to be reminded of God’s great, immense, and unfathomable love. God is not “testing” you, or trying to see just how much you can take, or setting up conditions by which if you don’t succeed, He’ll withhold Himself from you. You may have had (or have) human relationships that work that way, but Jesus is different. In caregiving, we often feel alone, and that can sometimes cause us to interpret what we are feeling as God’s absence or dismissiveness towards us. He isn’t, and He hasn’t. Jesus wants to reveal Himself to us more than we often are willing for Him to do.
“The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.” (Psalm 145)
“Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you, says the Lord” (Jeremiah 29:12-14)
He is much nearer than we often think. And He is desiring earnestly to meet with us and to bring His transforming beauty into the ugly parts of our lives and the painful parts of our journeys.
The song “Pieces” by Amanda Cook has become one of my favorite reminders about this. Let me close with this lyric:
Unreserved, unrestrained
Your love is wild
Your love is wild for me
It isn't shy, it's unashamed
Your love is proud
To be seen with me
You don't give Your heart in pieces
You don't hide Yourself to tease us
Amen and amen
