Friendship

One truism that has lately carried gravity with me is that “the older you get, the less you know”.  I’ve always thought I knew what a friend was, and that I was a decent friend, most of the time.  Lately though, I’m realizing there is a depth to spiritual friendship I’ve never fully understood.

A couple weeks ago I was re-introduced to the wisdom of the late civil rights leader John M Perkins. I confess, as someone who has enjoyed white privilege most of my life, I haven’t had a “reason” to familiarize myself with Perkins - and for that I’m fairly ashamed. Something moved me profoundly in a quote I read, and I immediately went to Amazon and ordered three (of his many) latest books.  The first I jumped into (written when Perkins was 89!) is “He Calls Me Friend - The Healing Power of Friendship in a Lonely World”.  Let me tell you, there have been maybe 3 or 4 books in my life that I knew once I had started reading, were going to somehow transform me. This is one of those.  Perkins was something of a modern day Apostle John, writing with a simplicity, clarity, and power that comes from someone deeply immersed in the lovingkindness of Jesus.  He was one acquainted with deep suffering and grief - his mother died of starvation in Mississippi, his brother beaten to death by a white police officer, two of his sons died unexpectedly, multiple jailings and beatings, death threats, and the list goes on.  Yet somehow this man emerged full of such incredible peace, love, forgiveness, and power.  The reason, according to John M. Perkins, was “Friendship”.

On the book cover, he has this powerful summary:

“BE FRIENDS. First with God. Then with others–every kind of other you can think of.  Because the simple, powerful, messy, explosive truth is: the world is changed one friendship at a time.”

Caregiving is friendship - have you ever thought of it that way?

John 15, in one of Jesus’ most intimate moments with His disciples, says this - 

“As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you.  Abide in my love.  If you do what I command, you will abide in my love, just as I have done what my Father has commanded and abide in His love.  These things I have spoken to you so that my joy may be in you, and your joy may be full.”“This is my command, that you love one another as I have loved you.  Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.  You are my friends, if you do what I command”.

In caregiving, we lay down our lives “for our friends” - whether they be spouses, parents, children, or someone as close to us as our own family.  This kind of sacrifice is demanding, often lonely, and always out of public view.  How do you sustain this kind of friendship - the deepest kind - without growing cynical, heartless, depressed, or resentful?  According to Jesus, it’s abiding in His love.  That means a deep friendship with God that isn’t scared or ashamed to take our burdens, fears, and disappointments directly to him first, in raw authenticity.  He wants to be that confidante, it doesn’t alarm or threaten Him.  But it does require that we trust Him.  And part of that trust is believing that He means it when he says “...so that my joy may be in you, and your joy may be full.”

Our natural friends (from before caregiving seasons) often disappear or fade away when we are caregiving, but we have found God also often fills those spaces in our lives with new companions and friends. And often these new friends come from unlikely places, and often from that class of “every other kind of other you can think of” that Perkins references.  When we open ourselves to God’s unlikely friendship, He surprises us with the unexpected.

I don’t know where you feel you are in the “friendship space”, or if you even feel befriended by God.  If I can encourage you though, it would be with this:  whether you feel like it or not, as a caregiver, you are emulating the friendship of Jesus and entering into a very sacred friend space. Though you may not feel “buddy-buddy” with Jesus, His friendship is real, it’s perennial, and it’s eternal. Simply start your day with this simple prayer, returning to it throughout the day as you are reminded, and let it soak in, and reframe your perspective:

“Jesus, my friend.  I choose to abide in your love.  Help me to love as you love, and to be a friend as you are a friend.  Let those I touch today feel the friendship of Jesus.   Amen”